Shingeki No Mean Girls
by jocat646
Summary: Mean Girls AU where Mikasa isn't related to Eren. When Eren Jaeger moves from the city of Maria to Sina Prep, he faces the hardships of being the new kid. Throw in teen royalty led by a clean freak, a nagging crush, and the Spring Fling Heichou into the mix and you're bound to get Shingeki...No...Mean Girls! Rated T because Levi humor and Mean Girls humor makes rated T.
1. Seid ihr das essen? Yeah, probably

**AN:**** Okay, whoo! Here goes nothing...I've only written one bad Frozen story, so just bear with me. This is basically the entire plot of Mean Girls except with Shingeki No Kyojin characters. In this AU, Levi and Mikasa are siblings, Jean isn't in love with Mikasa, and Eremika is the main pair.  
>THIS IS MEANT TO BE READ AS A PARODY! Nothing serious here.<br>****Disclaimer: If I owned Shingeki No Kyojin, I would actually make some episodes.**

Chapter 1

In a small village, adults everywhere were frantically getting their kids ready for school in the city of Maria...or at least that was how Eren Jaeger remembered it. He felt out of place in a bed that wasn't composed out of lumps or eating a meal that didn't fizzle when he poked it. The teen sprinted out of the door, anticipating his first day of Sina Prep. It was a miracle that his parents found room in the fancy city, even though his father was just a surgeon.

"Okay, okay! Look at the camera!" Eren sighed and twisted his face into a strange, forced smile. Carla and Grisha Jaeger were standing outside of their house, tears in their eyes and hopes to the skies. "Moooom, I need to go now!" Carla pouted, but after a few seconds, she gave in. "See you later, E-"  
>Her kid was already out the door, flying into the school that was conveniently located right across the Jaeger residence.<p>

Eren tiptoed with glee past the courtyard of Sina Prep. It was nothing like his old school back in Maria, where almost everyone hung out together. In fact, there seemed to be groups of kids in designated spots. He shrugged it off and entered the building. Apparently, his homeroom (104) was supposed to be around the corner. Barely suppressing a squeal, he sharply turned...and rammed right into a boy. His hair was dyed as if he was supposed to be a blonde, but God ran out of the color, shrugged it off, and used brown instead. No matter what, there was something about him that immediately screamed "Asshole!" It was true.

"Watch where you're going, asshole!" the dickdyed-um, dipdyed hair boy said. Eren, coming from a rough part of town, obviously wouldn't stand for this. He pushed the boy into the lockers and retorted with a quick "Look who's talking". "Ugh," the other boy groaned. "I don't have time for this. I need to get to room 104." _Oh no._ When Eren entered the same room as the boy, they both scoffed and looked away.  
>"Jean! How was your summer?" A freckled kid who had coincidentally broken and arm and a leg on the same side of his body called out to the boy who Eren now thought looked like a horse. Jean turned around, mouthed "Good luck,newbie" to the confused Eren, and moved to the back of the class.<p>

Eren was now faced with a problem- where to sit. He walked up to a man and confidentally declared,"Hi, my name is Eren Jaeger and I'm the new student from the city of Maria." However, he was stopped mid-sentence when the man in question turned out to be one of his fellow classmates who was known for being tall. Eren's confidence shrunk by 20%. Just when he thought all luck would run out, the door burst open. A petite, tan woman with freckles all over her face pranced in the room.  
>"S-sorry I'm late, class! I'm Miss Lagnar, and I'll be-"<br>Right when Eren whirled around, he knocked into the teacher. "Oh my god! I'm so sorry!" the canonly angsty teen frantically declared. Ilse immediately knocked her coffee onto her books. "No, my research!" (The students never knew that Ilse was training to be a veterinarian as a side job, but an abnormal greyhound kept on constantly eating her books and ripping the heads off of chew toys. She soon gave up, but at the same time, never gave up.)  
>Eren creeped slowly to an empty seat...until the door burst open to reveal Principal Pixis, the usually drunk headmaster of Sina Prep. He stumbled in the room.<br>"M-m-miss Ilse? You keeping up in there? If there's something you need to ask me, don't! Go to Shadis instead because...because I'm busy. Yep. Busy with principalish things!"  
>With that said, he abruptly left the room, pretending as if the students didn't notice the wine cleverly hidden inside a water bottle...except it was red wine. By the time Ilse got her act together, homeroom had already ended. Eren sighed an angsty sigh and headed out the door.<p>

_The rest of the school day was a blur. A stressful, surreal blur. I got in trouble for the weirdest things.  
>"<em>Eren ripped a giant fart, sir." "_Shut up, horseface!_"  
>"Why are you hanging from the monkey bars sideways, Jaeger?" "<em>The gear's broken, sir..." <em>"If you can't hang from the monkey bars right, you're going to have to run 10 laps!"  
><em>I had lots of friends in Maria, but apparently, none in Sina.<br>_

After the day finished, Eren angstily returned to his house across the street. Carla greeted him with open arms. "So how was your first day at prep school?" As a response, Eren created the angstiest noise known to man and went to his room. "I knew it was a bad idea to buy _Twilight_ as Eren's 10th birthday present..."

* * *

><p>The next day, Eren dragged himself to room 104, trying to see if any new seats were taken after accidentally picking the one behind Jean yesterday. He popped open a bag of popcorn and went through a row of chairs...only to find a girl eating potato salad (<em>is that even allowed?)<em> staring right at him. Her eyes twinkled and her ponytail seemed to point upwards. "A-are you g-g-going to eat that?" Eren wanted to retort angstily with a hint of sarcasm, but this was one of the only people who talked to him over the course of two days, so he handed it over to her. The girl quickly handed the potato salad to her bald friend and ate the entire bag in one sitting.

"Sasha Braus," the girl mumbled to Eren, her face submerged in the bag. When she finished, her bald friend popped out of his seat. "I'm Connie!" Sasha interrupted her friend and took the potato salad.  
>"Connie <em>Pringles<em>- he's almost too simpleminded to function."  
>"Says the girl who called potato one of the main food groups!"<br>"Excuse me, but potato is God and you will worship."  
>"Ugh, you sound like that religious dude that always worships the cities..."<p>

Eren chuckled at the duo's antics and gladly sat down near them. "Do any of you know where room B34 is?" The jovial duo shared a look with each other and Connie cheekily chanted "We'll take you!" The duo (now trio, since Eren invaded their friend group) headed out into the back of the school, where Eren was faced with...nothing.

Accidentally letting an angsty, yet confused noise slip out, Eren muttered,"Where's B34 again?" Sasha couldn't keep it in anymore. Connie gladly explained to Eren that it burned down in the year 845, while Sasha cracked up next to him. However, Eren wasn't too sure. "I'm pretty sure I need to get to health now..." The duo shrugged it off and replied with a simple "We're your friends now, don't worry about anything."  
><em>I wasn't too keen on skipping classes on my second day of Sina High, but hey, friends! It beats eating in the toilet stalls while feeling angsty. Besides, it's health! What could I possibly be missing?<em>

* * *

><p>In the health room, Coach Shadis was furiously pacing back and forth, ranting about various topics. "Don't have sex. Just don't. If you do, you will get eaten by a colossal greyhound and you will die. Okay? Are you going to have sex? The answer is no. Okay, now everyone take some rubbers." Shadis then proceeded to hand out condoms with the colossal titan's perplexed face and a catchy slogan to the side- "Nothing can break down these walls!"<p> 


	2. Meet the Robinsons-er, Recons

The trio sat in the sun, skipping health class and having a good time altogether. Sasha pulled out a gigantic iwatobi-chan bread and happily munched on it while Eren stared in confusion (_what is that supposed to be anyway?) _while Connie pestered her for a piece. After relentlessly pursuing some of iwatobi-chan's strawberry flesh but failing to get any, he turned to Eren. "Why did your parent's want you to go to Sina anyway?" The previously poor(ish?) kid rolled his eyes. "They wanted me to 'meet new people.'"  
>Sasha then looked up and snorted cynically. "Oh, you'll meet new people, all right. You're a regulation kawaii." He didn't respond. Connie soon stepped in, wisely declaring that his "eyes the color of green stuff and how his smile radiated radiation" would "totally be considered kawaii." Sasha then hit him, calling her remark about being simpleminded to be completely true.<p>

The doors to the gym started to rumble and seniors poured out the door. Sasha immediately dropped the half-eaten iwatobi-chan. "In the name of all that is holy, will you look at Erwin Smith's gym clothes?" It was Connie's turn to snort cynically. "What gym clothes?" In the middle of a soccer game stood a senior with glamorously parted blonde hair and the bushiest eyebrows known to man. Even so, he still seemed to own the fabulosity. He wasn't wearing a shirt and had a baseball cap facing the wrong way, which made him use his hands to block out the sun. The soccer game immediately stopped as the players not-so-subtly stared at him.

"Of course the Recons all have the same gym class." Hearing this, Eren spun around. "Who are the Recons?" Sasha and Connie simultaneously rolled their eyes. "They're teen royalty. If Trost was Germany Weekly, they'd always be on the cover. That one there is Erwin Smith, one of the dumbest boys you will ever meet. Connie took class with him in AP PE last year." Connie soon began to crack up. "He asked me how to spell orange. Me! IN GYM CLASS!"

A girl bounced out of the building, immediately doing cartwheels and dragged Erwin out of the crowd of bi-curious soccer players. "Come on, Erwin!" Eren immediately noticed that a numerous amount of scars ran up her arms and legs, along with the average gym uniform. "That's Hanji Zoe. She-" "-or he!" "...she sometimes crossdresses. _Anyway, _she's another Recon. Absolutely insane and likes to smuggle pets in the building. Don't ask."

Immediately after, her glasses toppled off, causing her to lose her balance and fall, taking Erwin with her. An average looking girl with orange hair gladly handed the glasses to Hanji, which caused her to cartwheel with twice the effort. "Petra Ral. She seems like a nice girl-_Oh, I nearly had a near-death experience by being nearly stepped on by a bear that was THIIIIIIS near to me near a tree, so I must change for the better!-_ but underneath that orange hair-which looks so fake, by the way- lies a bitchy, overly-determined, preppy Recon." Eren took a mental note to not fuck with Connie and his crew.

A boy with a smug look on his face stepped out of the building. Eren took one glance at his hair and immediately hated him._ Dickdyed. _The smug boy tripped over a rock and caused the trio of juniors to wince as blood spurted out of his mouth. Petra dashed to his side with an "I've seen this before" look on her face and took him back indoors. "Auruo-" "_Aluo." _"Oluo?" "Aloe?" "-Auruo Bossard. He's totally snobby because his parents invented Titan Munchies, a pet food brand that doesn't taste as good as it makes out to be, by the way." Eren turned to Sasha, who replied with a shrug and a "don't ask." "He knows everyone's business. That's why his hair is so multi-colored. _It's full of secrets."_

Eren was about to investigate more about these "Recons" until he saw the duo turn to the left while wearing expressions of discontent. He turned to see what the big deal was and saw...nothing.  
>Until he looked down.<br>To be exact, he saw a dwarf boy with a scowl that could kill horses wearing a cravat with his gym uniform, while strangers tried to approach him and he would merely respond in a "Tch." and walk away.  
>"Evil takes a human form in Levi Ackerman. You might think he's your typical selfish, back-stabbing, ass-faced Ajax fucker, but in reality, he is so much more. He's the man. The main man. The others are just side characters in a movie with little character development."<p>

* * *

><p>Levi Ackerman...how do I begin to describe Levi Ackerman?<p>

[_Mina: Levi Ackerman is too shota to be hot, but too hot to be shota._

_Thomas- He has two Fendi cravats and silver window screens._

_Mylius- I hear his hair's insured for over $10,000._

_Nac- He probably does car commercials. In America._

_Tom- His favorite movie is...huh. That's weird. No answer for that one. Ymir, did you fill out the cue cards right?_

_Hannah/Franz- He once encountered a pack of greyhounds in the woods...and they ran away._

_Auruo- One time, he sent me to the infirmary. It was awesome.]_

"He's so fabulous. He always wins Spring Fling Heichou." "Connie, why do you even care?" "Every year, each grade has a dance called the Spring Fling. Whoever gets elected as Heichou and Gochou automatically become in charge of the activities committee. Since my mom says activities are weighed as heavily as grades are, I would say I have a reason to care." Sasha merely facepalmed. "You've truly out-dumbed-yourself."

* * *

><p>The duo handed Eren a poorly drawn map of the cafeteria. Eren angstily rolled his head to the side, showing angsty confusion. "What is this supposed to be?"<br>Connie helpfully stepped in as Eren's guide, seeing how Sasha was eating a canister of lamb stew at the moment. " This is going to be your guide to Sina. It's crucial to know where you sit in the cafeteria because everyone's there.  
>You got your bottom feeders (Mina, Thomas, Mylius, Nac, Tom all doing homework and looking fresh and ready for death-...the death of having a lame group to eat with during lunch, that is),<br>your openly straights (Hannah and Franz making out, since they're the only ones at the table),  
>your openly gays (Krista, Ymir, Jean looking embarrassed and Marco looking satisfied, Reiner and Bertholdt in the middle of the Gays and the Populars),<br>the military kids (Hannes, Rico, Marlow, and Hitch blowing bubbles in a milk carton),  
>the junior populars (Annie sitting lamely at the table alone, trying to force Reiner and Bertholdt back to the table),<br>the lame, normal kids (Armin, Mikasa, Isabel, Farlan doing average things with a hint of glamour),  
>the greatest people you will ever meet (This one's kind of obvious),<br>and the worst (Ditto.)"

The angsty teen angstily scanned the lunchroom. He had prepared to sit with the greatest people he would ever meet, but was stopped when a blonde with a small mustache and the distinct scent of Titan Munchies began to sniff him eagerly. Eren tried to back away, but he was pulled into the taller boy's grasp, who sniffed even louder.  
>"Oi, Mike, that's enough." Eren looked up to the voice of his savior and saw...nothing. Until he looked down at Levi Ackerman. "Mike, why are you such a neanderthal?" Mike gave a frustrated huff and replied with, "I'm only being friendly." At that moment, Hanji actually paid attention to the conversation and hissed, "Why didn't you call me last night? The science project is due in two weeks, you know."<br>Levi looked condescendingly...up...at Mike, yet he still managed to look threatening. "Mike, you can't just blow Hanji off and start using your nose for the wrong purposes." He looked at Eren. "Do you want to become a test subject?" As expected, he violently shook his head. "Then that settles it. Bye, Mike."  
>After the blowup, Eren realized this was definitely not his place. He started to walk towards Connie and Sasha until- "Wait, stop moving, brat. Why haven't I seen you before?"<p>

Eren froze in place. Levi was now leaning towards him without leaving his seat (_Teen royalty powers?_) as the "side characters" looked on with interest. "Come on, brat. Sit down. I don't bite." Hanji unhelpfully jumped in, chirping "But I do!" She was paid back with a harsh slap and a "Shut up, shitty glasses." The emerald-eyed boy was about to sit down until Levi sanitized the seat with a wet wipe and offered Eren one. He was about to refuse, but Levi's face warned him not to. "I'm new. I moved here from Maria." Everyone's faces seemed to get slightly more mischievous. "So you've never been to a real prep school before? Wow. No way. No...way." Smiling nervously, Eren squeaked "Um, yes way. That's kind of what I said." Levi's creepy half-quarter-smile never seemed to leave. "Maria. That's really interesting...but you're,like, super kawaii." Eren beamed, believing that Sasha and Connie were wrong all along. "Oh, thanks." While keeping a straight face, Levi retorted with, "So you agree? You think you're super kawaii?" Eren slightly died inside.

He awkwardly fidgeted in his seat until Levi cut in, once again. For a blank slate of a boy, he sure was a conversationalist when it came to newcomers. "I love your hair. Who did it for you?" Ignoring the trap, Eren smiled and said, "This is my normal bedhead." Levi looked visibly displeased, shown when he took out lavender febreze and "discreetly" sprayed it everywhere. However, the strangely quiet ones cut in, Petra and Auruo gushing about its "state of kawaii" and (coming from Auruo) how it was "incredibly fetch." Levi, being the spirit killer that he is, decided to confront Auruo on what "fetch" really meant. The dickdyed-haired boy shrunk in his seat, claiming it was slang from Australia.  
>The supposedly dumb one cut in. "Wait, if you're from Maria...why aren't you a hobo?" Both Eren and Auruo were mortified, the latter screeching "Oh my god, Erwin. You can't just ask people why they're not a hobo." Levi broke up the squabble and smiled sweetly (or contorted his mouth slightly sweetly). "Could you give us some privacy for one second? I shouldn't have to ask that-you'd do it anyway."<p>

Eren stole a guilty glance at Sasha and Connie, who were staring back at him with slightly amused and slightly afraid faces. "Oi, brat. Pay attention." Out of fear, Eren whipped his body around. "Okay, you should just know that we don't do this a lot. Me and the Recons want to invite you to have lunch with us for the whole week. Okay? Okay. See you tomorrow, don't be late, wash your hands." The Recons started to exit the table. Erwin whisper-screamed to Eren, "On Wednesday, we wear capes!"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: If you caught that Free! reference, then you are more than okay in my book! *winks at beta tester* Apparently, gochou is Japanese for corporal. Why is Levi ranked lower than the Spring Fling QueenGochou? I dunno. Just take it as canon. Until next time!**


	3. Is it love or is it gas?

Bits of potato salad sprayed out of Sasha's mouth as the trio huddled in the boy's bathroom, trying to make sense of the situation. "Oh my god, I just-oh my god. You have to do it, okay? and then tell us all the nasty stuff Levi says." Eren shrugged helplessly against the two. "Levi seems nice." Connie guffawed. "Levi is not nice. He's a scum-smashing donkey spawn. He ruined my life." Taking another bite, the hungry girl declared that Levi was indeed a spawn of Satan, but still pretty fly.  
>Thomas stepped out of a stall, noticed Sasha, and immediately turned indignant. She then used her defense mechanism- "Oh my god, Gordon Ramsey! I love your work!" Mortified of ever being compared to the hellish chef, he fled the scene.<p>

"Why do you hate him?" The question was apparently so rhetorical that Connie grew hair for a split second. "Heh, what?" The angsty teen yet again ignored the trap and continued to speak. "Levi. You seem to really hate him." Now bald again, he snorted. "Yeah. What's your question?" "My question is why, exactly?"  
>Sasha picked the wrong moment to jump in. "When they were in elementary school, Levi and Connie were ti-" "SASHA!...can you not? Now look. Before you run away, I just want you to know this isn't about hating him. We just thought it would be fun to have a harmless, little experiment if you were to hang out with them and tell us everything they say." "What would we even talk about?" "Leather jackets, studded boots, world domination..." "Is that a band?" The situation seemed hopeless, but Connie wasn't willing to let it go. "Could you just do it? Please?" Though skeptical, Eren eventually agreed because <em>hey! Friends! Can't risk losing those on the second day of school. "<em>Okay, fine. Do you have any capes?" Connie's "No" was overpowered by Sasha's immediate opposite answer.

* * *

><p><em>By eighth period, I was so happy to get to Animal Instincts, a special course. I mean, I'm good at animals. I understand animals. Nothing in this class will mess me up.<em> "Hey, can I borrow a pencil?"

***TWIST* *BOOM***

_I've never had a crush in my life. Is this how you're supposed to feel? Is this gas? Whatever it is, it hit me as if the red string of fate tripled in size and became a scarf._ "Well, Jaeger? What's your answer?" _She was... _"So cute. I-I mean, the nape of their necks!" Miss Freida smiled her godlike smile. "That's right. Good, good. Very good. Now let's talk about your homework..." _Although I was technically supposed to be paying attention, I couldn't help but direct all attention to the girl in the red scarf._

* * *

><p><em>Having lunch with the Recons was like leaving this world and entering "combat world." And Combat World had a lot of rules. "<em>You can't wear the same clothes twice in a row,-ew,germs- and you can only wear something without green in it once a week. I guess you picked today." Eren glanced lamely at his dress shirt and slacks, the least he could do to "fancy up" for the Recons. Apparently, it was the wrong kind of fancy. "Oh, and we only bring hand sanitizer on Friday. It's the only day they don't serve sloppy Joes, so we're safe...for now."  
>"Now, if you break any of these rules, you can't sit with us at lunch. Not just you-I mean all of us. Okay, like, if I brought hand sanitizer today and not febreze, I would be sitting over there with buffet gut and baldy," whined Auruo. "They're not even seniors! See what I mean? Oh, and we always vote before we ask someone to eat lunch with us because you have to be considerate of the rest of the group. Like, you wouldn't buy a scented body wash without consulting your friends about it first if it smells good on you." It was too much information for the pine-tree-hued eyed boy to handle, but he couldn't be obvious about that. "Right, and it's the same with guys. I-I mean, girls...unless you're...whatever. Like, you might think you like someone, but you might be wrong." Petra spoke while flailing her hands around, Levi's demonic eyes scanning her palms to see if she washed them before leaving the bathroom.<p>

Once Levi left to get cheese fries without the cheese,("It creates a nasty stain."_ What would someone like him know about stains?)_ the rest of the Recons ganged up on him. Hanji leaned eerily towards him, her glasses reflecting off the florescent lights. "Soooooo have you seen any girls you think are cute yet?" Eren visibly flushed, casuing Petra to scramble from her seat and into the one next to him without bothering to wipe it down first. "Well, there's this girl...in my Animal Instincts elective..." "Who is it?" Erwin now joined the conversation, flashing his radiantly white teeth. "Um, her name's Mikasa Ac-" "NO!" Everyone in the table jumped about 2 inches off their seats as Connie and Sasha quietly snickered even though they didn't hear the subject of the chat.

"You can't like Mikasa Ackerman."_ Oh no. _"She's Levi's sister." _Oh no! _"They were family for a year." "Yeah, and he was devastated when she left the sibling pact." "I thought he replaced her with Isabel Magnolia and kicked her out?" "Shut up, Erwin."_ Levi's sister? They both do have the same cold stare...the same sense of superiority...the same last name...How did I not notice they both had the same last name? How many Ackermans can there be at one prep school? Maybe I'm almost too simpleminded to function.  
><em>Auruo sighed at the blonde's stupidity. "Okay, irregardless, siblings are off limits to friends. That's like, the rule of human life. There's no exceptions. Don't worry- We won't tell Levi what you said," the dual-colored haired boy smiled.  
>Eren looked at the faces in the small crowd. Hanji's smile stretched to a point where it looked fake. Petra seemed genuine until Eren looked down and saw she was toying with her bracelet so much, it looked ready to pop off. Erwin was snickering to himself until Auruo lightly jutted him in the elbow. The former then proceeded to flash a "thumbs up" sign with a completely straight face. "It'll be our little secret."<p>

* * *

><p>"When dealing with wild greyhounds, always seek shelter in..." <em>Even though I wasn't allowed to like Mikasa, I could still allowed to look at her- no, wait, and think about her-nope, and definitely talk to her. Yeah, that seems about right.<br>_"Hey, Mika-"  
>"Hey, you're the Maria kid, right?" A short (but not as short as Levi) blonde boy with adorable eyes approached him. Eren resisted the urge to pet him on the head and treat him like a dog, except there wasn't much resistance left when he examined the boy's expression- dead serious. "Y-yes? I mean, yes! That's me. Eren."<br>The blonde smiled a seemingly satisfied smile, which turned out to look like the face on a five year old when he manages to catch the latest episode of Teletubbies. "I'm Armin Arlert, captain of the Sina Prep Titans. We participate in mimicking animal behavior contests, and we can get twice as much funding if we've got someone who doesn't look like they're going to claw the judges' eyes out. Bertholdt doesn't count- the guy's like a human waterfall. So you should think about joining!" Eren smiled nervously. "I guess I'll think about it..." "Great!" Armin grinned. "Here's my card."

**Armin Arlert**

**Animal Enthusiast/Psychologial Mindfucker**

**###-###-####**

"Okay, so think it over. We'd like to get jackets." "O-ok." Eren stepped out of the building and was about to cross the street until he heard a horn honk. It was none other than the Recons, Levi in the front. Whipping his sunglasses off, he snarkily said "Get in, brat. We're going on an expedition."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I had no idea what was going on. The Mikasa part just blew up my head, so if it doesn't make sense, it isn't supposed to. If anyone got my pomfpomfpomf reference, they are more than okay in my book! *winks at beta tester*<br>**

**You can probably guess who the members of the Titans are :P**

**Until next time!**


	4. Burn books, bandages, and blood, Oh my!

_Who in their right mind uses the word "expedition" to replace shopping? Teen royalty sure means something else to rich kids. _Petra tried desperately to appeal to the new kid by asking awkward, motherly questions while Levi silently disapproved in his mind. "So how do you like Sina?" Eren weakly smiled and replied, "It's...cool. I'm thinking of joining the Titans." To his surprise, the Recons immediately protested. "That would be social suicide. Damn, you are so lucky you have us to guide you."

_Being at the mall sort of reminded me of Maria. It was broken down, yet people kept on coming back to it and making a mess out of things. This was obviously another reason to why we moved here. _Hanji's worried voice broke through Eren's mental monologue. "Oh my god, there's Mike!" "Where?" Petra hoisted Levi onto her shoulders and was met with a small slap to the head. The tiny devil seemed irritated but he was secretly glad for Petra's motherly sense. It made him want to agree with her constantly and slap her into tomorrow at the same time. "Hmm," Petra murmured. "He's with a dog." "Hanji, isn't that your dog?" Erwin piped up. "Wait." Levi hopped off Petra and pulled out his phone. "He can't be using your dog for the project. No. He cannot use you like that. He's such a liar. Give me your phone."

"Oh god," Hanji paced back and forth, handing her cell phone to the short teen. "You're not going to call him, are you?" Levi made a gesture to Petra, who lifted him up so he could smack the spectacle-wearing teen on the head. "Do you think I'm an idiot?" Eren had no idea what was going on, and even Erwin knew what was going on. That freaked him out. The tiny devil began to type in Mike's number. Eren continued to look puzzled until Petra mouthed _no caller ID _and a twisted look of realization formed on the junior's face. He watched as Mike slowly took out his phone and Levi began to use a cheerful accent to mask his identity. "Hi, this is Sina Hospital. We have your dog's rabies test, and I think there's something that you definitely have to see. It's urgent, sir." Mike dropped the startled dog and ran straight into the men's bathroom. Levi hung up and smirked. "I made someone panic _and_ wash their hands. You, Jaeger, are a good luck charm." The Recons began to maniacally laugh (_or was it a healthy snicker? I can't think straight when I'm freaked out_) and Eren, feeling more confused than ever, smiled along with them._  
><em>

* * *

><p>They soon arrived at Hanji's house. Earlier, Eren had asked why they weren't going to Levi's, him being the leader and all. He stoically replied with "Teen royalty doesn't count outside school" and left it at that. The younger teen was about to step in when Erwin whispered, "Make sure you check out her greyhound's teeth. They're hard as knives." Hanji burst open the door. "I'm home, babies! Hi, Kylie." She gingerly waved to a hamster being devoured by a python (whose name seemed to be Milkshake, but it was hard to tell since the snake had bit off part of its own name tag.). Eren gaped at the scene.<p>

Her house was gigantic.

And a zoo. It was also a zoo.

Animals, their food, and their toys were scattered everywhere. A penguin was wedged between the sofa while a butterfly lightly rested upon its beak. An ostrich had its head stuck in the ceiling and Auruo tried kicking it to make it move-only to get kicked backwards, biting his tongue in the process. Two horses trotted in a row to the kitchen and two tigers followed suit. Also, there were literally greyhounds EVERYWHERE. "Welcome to mi casa! Now we should probably go to my room before Clyde tries to run us over again."

Hanji's room was surprisingly cleaner, save for the fact that there were still dog treats on the ground. A rectangular mirror hung loosely by the side of the wall, and the drawer above it was locked. One of the greyhounds accompanied the frazzled girl in the room. "Okay, Eren. Just wanted to let you know that there are no rules in this house. Like, literally no rules at all. Why do you think Bean's allowed in here?" With that said, Eren peered down to see the greyhound for what it really was. It really was terrifying. "Bean"'s eyes had a maniacal gleam to it and it stunk of blood. Or maybe that was just Eren's imagination. Who knows? The kid gets angsty sometimes.

"God, my eyebrows are huge!" "At least you pull off huge hair, have you seen what I look like in humidity?" "Humidity's not a problem, but carrot hair is. Pretty sure this stuff attracts deer." "Heh. Everyone's talking about how much their hairstyles are off, but mine is literally off. But still, I can rock dipdye." "Shut it, shitty tongue. Hair is nothing compared to height." _Wow, is this what rich kids think? I just thought there was fat and skinny, but apparently, there's a whole lot more. _He momentarily stopped his inner monologue partly because it seemed like everyone expected him to do the same. "...I have really bad breath in the morning?"  
>An awkward silence ensued until Levi gave a little nod and Erwin gave a "gross".<p>

A ripping sound...rippled through the silence. To Eren's horror, Bean had ripped through Hanji's pant sleeve and was gnawing on her exposed skin, creating another mark. He had enough of it once blood started to spill. Eren looked at the others' faces, hoping they would do something about it because _a dog is literally eating its owner right now._ Surprisingly, the rest of the Recons just seemed to look away with sheepish faces, except for Levi, who seemed to look disappointed. Noticing Eren's horrified expression, Hanji jumped in, trying to mask her pain (_which she obviously felt, right?) _with a smile. "D-don't worry, Eren! Bean's just..._bean_ normal! Heh. Get it? Bean as in being...yeah. Really, don't worry! He's not like a regular greyhound. He's a cool greyhound. Cool greyhounds like flesh, right? Okay, bad choice of words, right. He won't eat any of your flesh, so it's okay! Just mine. Oh, bad choice of words again. Why don't you just...skedaddle out and let me handle it? Okay?"

_What type of person lets themselves get torn apart by a greyhound, calls it normal, and asks me to "skedaddle out"?_ Eren stood his ground until he noticed the remaining Recons head out the room. The angsty (now for a reason) teen tried to protest, but he was stopped by Levi. "I'll take care of it. Just leave." With one last look at the door, Eren finally followed the others and left.

* * *

><p>The next day, the Recons (and Eren) returned to Hanji's zoo. A noticeable amount of greyhounds were missing and Hanji was starting to wear shorter sleeves. A weight was lifted off of Eren's shoulders as he proceeded to sit on the stone-cold bed. "Oh my gosh, I remember this!" "Erwin, we just wrote in it today." Eren popped up, trying to see what the commotion was about. Luckily, he didn't need to leave the bed since the item of attraction was placed low so that Levi could see. When the junior squirmed his way into the crowd, he was met with a tiny smirk from Levi. "It's the burn book. See, we cut out pictures of juniors and seniors from the yearbook and write nasty things about them." Eren wasn't too sure about Levi's sanity, but when the rest of the Recons weren't throwing each other intimidated looks, he thought it might be okay.<p>

"Rico Brzenska is a grotsky little bitch. Heh. Still true." The page flipped, as did Eren's emotions. "Nanaba is an unnamed, anorexic virgin. Still partially true." "Jean Kirstein. He made out with a horse." Eren spit out any water he was strangely holding in. Maybe this wasn't so bad after all. "Sasha Braus, binge-eating freak."  
>The Recons flipped a page and landed on a picture where a bald kid was grinning widely. "Who is that?" Erwin pondered. "I think it's that kid, Connie." This peaked Levi's attention and he looked deviously around the crowd. Eren thought this would be a good time to gain the leader's trust. "Yeah, Connie. He's almost too simpleminded to function." Levi burst out laughing, which was unusual for the tiny devil. "That's gold, Jaeger. Write that down."<em> Oh no, maybe that was only okay when Sasha said it. Well, it's not like the book's going to go public, right?<em>

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Okay, I'm extremely sorry for that angst bomb there. One thing led to another and...yeah, basically. I needed a "cool mom" filler and went with hungry greyhound instead. Another thing: WHY would I use greyhounds as titans? They're so cute~ *sobs* I guess it's going to be canon for now.<br>Also, Sasha and Connie both play Janis and Damian, so the roles will be played with. Until next time...*sobs***


	5. This is Halloween, everybody scream!

Eren was at the local food court, where Sasha "worked" and Connie frequently browsed. "...and they have this burn book where they write mean things about people." "What does it say about me?" Sasha looked up from underneath the bread counter.  
><em>"Sasha Braus is a binge-eating freak.<br>_"You're not in it." The ponytail-wearing girl gave an exaggerated gasp. In the background, Connie held up a bottle of herbal tea. "Will this make me grow hair?" "No. Eren, you need to steal that book. Then we could publish it and show everyone what an ax-wound he really is." Eren was torn yet again. "N-no way!" "Eren, there are two types of evil people in this world. Those who do evil-CONNIE, THAT'S FOR YOUR BRAIN- and those who see evil being done but don't do anything about it." (Connie immediately drank the tea.) He stepped out of the shadows and whispered not-so-discreetly "Does that mean I'm morally obligated to burn that woman's outfit?"

He pointed to a freckled woman who was wearing an outlandish ensemble while picking out stinky pastries from a box. Sasha silently snickered and motioned to the boys. "Oh my god, that's Ms. Langnar! I love seeing teachers outside of school. It's like watching bears juggle." The teacher soon noticed the trio and grinned politely. "Hey, I didn't know you worked here!" Sasha popped up from underneath the counter with a croissant in her mouth while Ilse mentally put two and two together. Not trying to ruin his relationship with the teacher even more, Eren asked an extremely obvious question while trying to remove the angst from his tone. "So, you doing some shopping?" The short (but not as short as Levi) woman smiled and said "No, I'm here with my boyfriend." The croissant flew out of Sasha's mouth and the boys involuntarily dropped their jaws. The smile was wiped off of Ilse's face.

"Joking. I'm joking because sometimes older people...do...that. I'm just here to purchase some pastries for abnormal greyhound behavior research. Eren, you should really join the Titans. Freida-I mean, Miss Reiss recommended you for the team, and so did Arlert. He has uncanny intuition when it comes to stuff like this." The angsty teen smiled at his teacher even though he was internally imagining her fondness for the boy go down 20%. "I think I'm going to do it." Connie groaned loudly. "You can't join the Titans, that's social suicide." The smile was wiped off of Ilse's face...again. "I won't tell Freida you said that. Well, this has been sufficiently awkward. I'll see you in homeroom tomorrow." Once the teacher left the station, Recon infiltration was brought back. "So, when are you gonna see Levi and the guys again?" Eren groaned quietly, despite his angsty state. "I can't spy on him anymore. It's weird." Sasha and Connie shared the same Cheshire-like grins. "Nobody's gonna find out. It'll be our little secret."

* * *

><p>In the middle of the night, Eren's phone began to ring. He picked up and to his horror, the caller was none other than Levi, but the connection wasn't that good. "H-hello?" Eren could practically hear Levi's smirk across the phone. "I know your secret." <em>Oh god, busted. Oh god, oh god, I'm so dead. Is there still time to move back to Maria? Ok, just start apologizing, crying, and praying. Or should I just play it cool? <em>"What secret?" "Auruo told me you like Mikasa. That's totally okay with me, I mean, you can do whatever you want with her. But let me tell you something about her: she only cares about her family and friends. Like, she REALLY cares." "Is that bad or-" "-but if you like her, whatever. I could probably talk to her or something for you." Eren grinned widely even though nobody could see it. "Really? You would do that? But nothing embarrassing, right?" Levi chuckled.  
>"Oi, no way. I know exactly how to play it. But wait-aren't you super mad at Auruo for telling me? That was a dick thing to do, right?" Eren's shrug was masked. "Well, it was kind of...dick-like, but I think he just wants attention." Levi pressed a button and the two-colored haired boy was now on the phone. "See, Auruo? Eren could never be mad at you." "I can't believe you think I want attention!" They both hung up. The angsty teen (who was sweating more than Bertholdt on a daily basis) took a long breath. He had just survived his first three-way calling attack.<p>

* * *

><p><em>With Levi's blessing, I began to talk to Mikasa even more. On October 3rd, she asked me what day it was. <em>"It's October 3rd." _Two weeks later, we spoke again._ "It's raining." "Heh, yeah. I guess it is. I mean, it is!" _But I wanted things to move forward, so I followed my instincts. _Eren tapped his hopefully soul mate on the shoulder. "Hey, can you help me with this? I'm really lost."_ But I wasn't lost._ Mikasa smiled a perfect half-quarter-smile. "Sure."_ I understood everything Ms Reiss was talking about._ "It's not an abnormal, which means you need to take it on yourself," _Wrong._ Eren smiled and continued to prod the scarf-clad girl. "Is that how you really mimic animals?" "Yeah, just about." _Wrong again. She was so wrong._ "Thanks. I think I get it now."

Just as the students began to file out the door, Mikasa turned to Eren. He momentarily forgot how to breathe until he realized that guys who pass out on the floor turning blue probably aren't what turns girls on. "Hey, so we're going to a halloween party at Nifa's. You wanna come?" The angsty teen's angst overflowed in his eyeballs as they bulged. "Oh my gosh, totally! I-I mean, yeah. Sure." Mikasa's quarter smile turned into a half. "Great. Here's where it is. It's a costume party, and people always get pretty intense over it." She gave a little chuckle, and Eren got a little boner. "The flier admits one person only, so don't bring some random dude with you." "Grool."The silence between the two was deafening. "I-I meant to say great and then I meant to say cool." Luckily, Mikasa seemed to understand. "Okay, grool. I'll see you tonight."  
>Armin soon slid over to Eren, who was still daydreaming about a certain scarf girl. "Hey, Maria boy? Earth to Maria? Are you staying for the Titans meeting tonight?" Still in a daze, the angsty boy dreamily floated out the door. "Yeah, totally. I'll...I'll be right back."<p>

* * *

><p><em>That was a total lie, but hey! I had to work on my costume.<em>_Combat World is sort of like Girl World, where Halloween is the one day a year where a girl can dress like a total slut and nobody can criticize. The only exception is that in combat world, you definitely criticize.  
><em>Levi and Hanji were currently in the latter's bedroom, both in different costumes. Hanji was a standard witch, except a dress was replaced with a striped purple leotard complete with elbow length long fingerless gloves and fishnet tights. The gleam in her eyes was switched out for yellow contacts. Levi was currently shirtless, his abs laughing at the greyhound obsessed girl. He had on floppy dog ears and tight black jeans. Hanji reckoned she could have fell for the short boy if they weren't already such close friends. The tight "collar" he wore wasn't helping things, though.  
>"Ooh, you look hot!" "Good. Why don't you? Oh, wait- you'll never be hot." "Come on, Levi. Everyone knows that I'll never be hot-COMPARED TO YOU! Ha! I'm still a Recon, and I'm gonna snag me a test subject tonight!" "That's nasty, shitty glasses." "As nasty as it is, I'm your ride there." "...whatever."<p>

Petra and Auruo soon arrived at Erwin's house. Petra was an angel (white lace top and extremely short shorts, wings included) and Auruo was a devil (ripped rep tank top and fake loincloth, horns included). Erwin opened the door and he was wearing...nothing. He wasn't wearing anything except for a fireman's hat on his head. Auruo snorted. "And what are you supposed to be?" Eyebrows-um, Erwin responded with a cheerful "I'm a firefighter. Duh." He pointed to the hat and the duo rolled their eyes. "Let's just go."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Ooh, cliffhanger! Not really if you saw the movie. Describing sexy Halloween costumes was really awkward, by the way. Until next time!<strong>


	6. Now there's an actual reason to scream

_Unfortunately, no one told me the slut rule applied to boys. _Eren walked into Nifa's house, overwhelmed by the people and overall lack of clothing. Bertholdt and Reiner were dressed in matching half-togas (_how can you "half" a toga? Isn't that technically half already?)_ and were either really drunk or really shameless. Jean-you guessed it- was galloping around the room in a horse head and underwear while chasing Marco, who wasn't really running because of the broken leg. Even when uncovered Annie managed to cover herself up. Hannah and Franz sloppily made out, which...wasn't that different from a normal day. Erwin (still in a firefighter hat) noticed Eren due to his appalling vampire costume, which was really decked out with fake blood and "I'll Kill Them All" written on a pin Eren wore. "Hi! You made-why are you dressed so scary?"

"Why aren't you?" Eren questioned with a nervous chuckle. "It's Halloween." Erwin rolled his eyes and giggled, making a bunch of girls swoon and fall over. Hanji carefully stepped over the pile of girls, a frantic look in her eyes. "Have you seen Mike?" They both shook their heads, causing the witch to trample over the pile as she made her way into the kitchen with a huff. Auruo met up with Erwin while Petra was trying to sell her "nice girl" act. Why else would a Recon dress like an angel? Noticing Auruo was here, Erwin turned excitedly to the devil. "You know who's looking fine tonight? Armin Arlert." Eren spit out any water he was coincidentally holding in. Auruo seemed to think the same, but held it in better than the angsty teen. "Okay, you did not just say that." "What? He's a good kisser." "For god's sake, he's your cousin!" "But you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins, and-" Auruo seemed visibly disgusted at this point. "No, Erwin. That's not right. Not at all." In response, the eyebrow-heavy boy shrugged and chased after the helpless nerd.

Just then, Levi emerged from the bathroom. "Shitty Hanji, letting in her damn dung beetle in her damn car without telling me. How was I supposed to know what his damn dung looks lik-". The tiny teen noticed Eren and realized it was time to take action. "Oi, Eren, You made it...and you're a...humanized bat." Eren smiled through his teeth. "Vampire, actually." "Looks fab. Lemme get you some punch."  
>Mikasa was at the center of the party, along with a bunch of military girls, who were dressed in army bikinis. "Oi, Mikasa." She didn't need to feel the tug of her stockings to know who was addressing her. "What is it, Levi?" She soon noticed her past brother's outfit and groaned. "Oh, jeez. Didn't anyone tell you this was a costume party?" Levi ignored her. "Whatever. I need to talk to you." Mikasa snickered. This should be good.<p>

"You know that new kid, Jaeger?" "Yeah, he's cool. I invited him." Levi smiled secretly and an evil gleam shone in his eyes. "Well, you should really be careful because he has a huge crush on you." The scarf-clad girl (who wasn't wearing a scarf today, surprisingly) stopped whatever she was doing. "What? Really? How do you know?" "He told me, duh. He tells everybody. It's kind of kawaii. I heard he writes 'Eren Ackerman's Future Baby Names' all over his notebook. Oh, and he made this pin "I'll Kill Them All For You, Mikasa!" and he wears it under all his clothes." Even though she was used to Levi's bullshit before, she couldn't help wondering if this was true. "You're kidding, right?" "Well, who can blame him? You're badass glam. And okay, look. I'm not saying he's messed up, but he took a thread from your scarf and sent it to Maria so he could brag to the hobos there that he finally got a piece of you." Her eyes bulged out of their sockets. "WHAT?"

Meanwhile, Eren turned to the opposite direction of Erwin pinning Armin to a wall and noticed the shorty and his old sister. _Oh my god, this is it! Levi said he would talk to Mikasa for me and he is! I loooooove the Recons!  
><em>"...I know he's kind of mentally insane and creepy, but just promise me you won't make fun of him. I've already made enough enemies." Though it was a hard decision, Mikasa swallowed her rage. "Of course I won't." Levi faked innocence yet again. "Do you want to join the sibling pact again? You know, so Eren won't bother you?" She rolled her eyes. "Levi, I can defend myself." The tiny teen thought fast. "B-but wouldn't you want to know if he would? You know, to prepare for what's going to happen. He's nearly a Recon, you know." This was bullshit, and Mikasa knew it. Still, she missed her old brother and wouldn't mind joining forces with him again. "Alright. I'm in." "Oi, that's great!" He turned on his kawaii face. "Sibling hug?" She rolled her eyes and snickered. "Okay, you big baby."  
>Over her shoulder, Levi smirked and stared back at the unsuspecting Jaegerbomb. The fun was just getting started.<p>

* * *

><p>Everything was going great for Eren. He put all his faith in Levi from the start, and didn't seem like any of it was faltering. <em>Sasha and Connie are crazy. How could they hate Levi? He's so...such a...<em>He nearly dropped his punch cup.  
>Levi.<br>Mikasa.  
>Hugging. Levi made the nastiest smirk known to man and aimed it at Eren.<br>_Such a liar!_ Eren let out an anguished cry of angst, which he hoped was low.

* * *

><p>"You're the best, lil' Ackerman. Hey, do you hear that dying cat noise?" Levi smiled internally. Even though she used that name for him, ruining a kawaii boy's life was more than enough to get it out of his mind. "Cat? Weird. Hanji must have let it in or something. It still ruined the moment." Mikasa giggled and merely pet Levi's tiny head.<p>

* * *

><p>"What are you supposed to be? A humanized bat?" Jean let out a whinny at Eren's frazzled state. "S-shut up, seabiscuit!" <em>I had never felt this way before. I could hear my heartbeat pulsing through my internal system. My stomach felt like it was swirling in the nether depths of despair, never to be retrieved again. The lump in my throat didn't seem to be subsiding, a constant memory of my gloom. To put it in non-angsty terms, I was really sad. I hated Levi. I hated him so much.<em>

* * *

><p>The outcast duo sat on the worn out couch, Sasha practically eating the popcorn bowl and Connie leaning forward to catch the good parts of the movie. "On that day, humanity received a grim reminder. They lived in fear of the-"<br>BANG!  
>The door flew open, revealing a puffy eyed vampire, the "I'll Kill Them All" badge ripped off of its fabric. The screams Connie and Sasha made were enough to wake the dead. At a completely unrelated moment, Mylius clumsily stumbled out of his house, a confused look on his face and a sleeping mask on his eyes.<br>"Eren, why aren't you at the party?" The glum vampire mumbled, "He took her back. Levi took Mikasa back."

Sasha wore a mask of sympathy while rage sparked in Connie's eyes. "Why would he do that? I thought we were friends." The bald boy spat venomously. "It's because he's a life ruiner. He ruins people's lives." "That's right! When we were in elementary school, Levi convinced the ENTIRE SCHOOL that Connie was-" "Sasha, please! Look, we're not going to let him pry his clean, tiny fingers in our lives. We're taking action. Now, Ackerman is a dictator. How do you overthrow a dictator?"  
>"By fleeing the land he owns discreetly and starting a new life in Ame-"<br>"By cutting off his resources!"

* * *

><p><em><span>-Genderbent bodyguard with height<span>_ (Mikasa)

_-Incognito fetish pleaser tools_(Windex, hand sanitizer, wet wipes- you name it!)

_-Cape cult worshippers_ (The Recons)

Connie was still rambling about the plan and making sure to see that Eren was listening. "So, if you want this plan to work, you need to pretend like nothing is wrong and keep hanging out with them. Can you do that?" _Can I do that? Does it involve acting? I remember I won an award last year for being the greatest actor in Maria High because of my monologue, "The Colossal Onslaught". Does that count? I'll pretend it does._ "Of course I can." The bald boy grinned a wolfish grin and Sasha followed suit. "Alrighty, then. Let's rock this bitch."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: The sibling pact is basically this...pact where two people decide to be family. They get access to do sibling-ish things with each other. Or not, that's fine, too. People not in a sibling pact can still act like siblings though. *cough cough* canon eremin *cough cough*<br>****It's basically "legal" documentation of a family. Just please bear with me okay thank you. Until next time! woohooooooo~**


	7. Er ist das essen, und ich bin der Jager

_Pretending like nothing was wrong turned out to be surprisingly easy._ Auruo stood in front of the stairwell, looking completely devastated. "Levi wanted me to tell you that he was trying to hook you up with Mikasa, but she was only interested in a brother. It's not Levi's fault. Are you...mad at him?" Eren smiled his kawaii smile and swallowed the bile in his throat. "Of course not." Auruo perked up. "Okay, great! Levi wanted me to give you this." He then proceeded to place his right fist over his chest while holding his left fist behind him. Eren had absolutely no idea what that meant, but he copied the motion and nodded to show that it was okay, you could stop now, people are staring.

* * *

><p>The tiny devil held out a new bug spray, honey scented. "It's called the Jinae Bug-Away, and all you do is spray this all over you throughout the entire day." His sister rolled her eyes. "For god's sake, it smells like the nectar of the gods. If anything, bugs are going to land on your clothes for so long, they might breed in there." He shrugged and responded with a mere, "I want bugs to go away."<br>Eren and Auruo arrived last, the girls and Erwin already at the lunch table. Levi smirked inwardly and pulled Mikasa by the scarf. He then proceeded to intricately tie it until it was shaped like an ascot. "Look, Eren. Doesn't Mikasa look a lot lovelier like this? Go on, tell her that."_ Levi was dangling Mikasa in front on me on purpose. I knew how this would be settled in the Maria world._

* * *

><p><em>[Eren angstily bites his finger and transforms himself into a rage-filled greyhound, with one goal-to destroy Levi Ackerman. Racial slurs are thrown across the room as it is split apart in two sides. Money thrown on the battlefield by betters are taken by hobos as the crowd goes wild.]<em>

* * *

><p><em>But this was combat world.<em> "You're killing that ascot, Mikasa." _And in Combat World, all the fighting had to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee. _  
>"Tch. This bug spray is making me smell weird." Eren saw his chance and grinned. "I have this pastry that has this weird breath-freshening effect." He handed the angry dwarf the cream puff, and Levi took it without saying a single word back.<em> That wasn't all a lie. Toothpaste has breath-freshening effects, doesn't it?<em>

Levi affectionately pecked his sister on the cheek and Eren fumed internally. Mikasa scrunched up her nose and smiled. "You smell fresher than usual, bro." She then proceeded to peck Levi back. The angsty boy's faith dropped 20% lower.

* * *

><p>The trio stood near the candy cane gram table, feeling frustrated. "It's been a month and all we did was make Levi smell like Colgate." Connie grumbled. "We need to cut Auruo Bossard. If we cut Auruo, we cut the lock on Levi's entire nasty history." "Say 'cut' one more time." "Cut." "All right! Thanks, baldy. Are we meeting at my place tonight for the mission? I have an unlimited supply of BLTs!" Unfortunately, Eren had to be committed to his job. "Sorry, can't make it. I have to go to Hanji's to practice for the talent show. We're doing some crazy parkour thing to this song-" "Guren no Yumiya." He was shocked at the duo's nonchalant attitude. "So you guys know that song?" Sasha giggled and lightly poked him in the arm. "Everyone in Germany knows that song, duh. They do it every year. Good luck learning that." "Thanks!" Missing the sarcastic beat, Eren skipped off only to run into Levi.<p>

"Hey. Why were you talking to Pringles over there?" Sweat formed underneath Eren's angsty armpits. _What do I do? Duh, do what you've been doing all this time- lie. _"I don't know, I mean, he's so weird. He just, you know, came up to me and started talking about cutting my hair off." Levi looked as if rage was bottled up inside him, masked by a sarcastic smirk.

"He's so pathetic. Let me tell you something about Connie Springer. We were best friends in elementary school. Like, seriously, we were tight. Weird, right? Anyway, in 3rd grade, I started getting into cleaning products, and Connie was so weirded out. He was all, 'No, Levi! We're only kids, grownups can do all the cleaning!' And I was all, 'Why are you so focused on changing my mind?' So for my birthday party, which was a private beach cleanup party, I was like, 'Connie, I can't invite you because I think you're too immature.' I mean, I can't have a brat at my party. We were doing a service for the environment and Connie was just too...dumb to appreciate the art of cleaning. So get this- he called Sasha over and she started bitching at me. It was so retarded. And then he always stayed in a corner or something because he was too dumb to realize that nobody wanted him around. When he came back to Sina Prep in the fall, all his hair was cut off and he was totally gross. Now, I guess he's trying to push that onto you."

_Whoa. This relationship has serious baggage. _Hitch walked past the duo, sipping a milkshake and wearing a silver sweater with a unicorn on it. "Oh my god, that sweater is so cute. Where did you get it?"_ To this day, I still don't understand how Levi changes topics so quickly. _The ditz smiled, scrunching up her nose. "It's part of the equestrian club. You should totally join!" Levi made his half-quarter-mouth contortion appear again."I definitely will!" Once the military girl walked past, Levi dropped his face. "That is the ugliest fucking sweater I have ever seen in all my years of living. Did you know that horses can't vomit? They literally can't vomit. That means all those nasty toxins are just...kept in there until it explodes on you or something fucking disgusting. Hanji better back me up on this."

* * *

><p><em>Levi: I love your hair. Who did it for you?<em>

_Eren: This is my normal bedhead._

***TWIST* *BOOM***

* * *

><p>Despite his sudden realization, Eren had to stick to the plan. "So...are you sending any candy canes?" "Tch, no. I don't send, I only receive. So you better send me one, brat. Later." <em>Oh, I was definitely sending him one. I was going to use three candy canes to cut Auruo Bossard. <em>"Three, please."

* * *

><p>"Candy cane grams!" Principal Pixis burst into the room, cheeks red but that was probably because he wanted to look more like Santa...right? Right. "Marlow Sand? Two for you..." He stumbled his way over to a military kid whose bowl cut could rival Armin's. "Moblit Berner? Four for you. You go, Moblit Berner! Go...take a nap or something, you look more tired than me after a Friday night out. Did I just say that out loud? Heh. Guess so." The still drunk principal wobbled towards a kid who noticeably tries to spend a lot of time with Hanji, but always fails to do so. "Aaaaaaand...Eren Jagger! Do we have an Eren Jagger here?" "It's Jaeger." Eren put on a grateful face as he accepted the candy cane. <em>Wait for it...<em>"One for you. And...none for Auruo Bossard! Bye!" _Whoomp, there it is! _With not much grace, the Santa imposter flitted out the door, while Auruo immediately scooted towards Eren.

"Who is that from?" The rich kid hissed. "Hmmm...'Thanks for being not unbearable sometimes. Love, Levi'! Awwww. That's so sweet." Auruo's mouth dropped open and his eyes showed hurt. Luckily, he quickly regained his snobby posture. "Whatever. Candy canes are overrated when you can buy them yourself." He wanted Eren to see his indifference, but the redness in his ears and slumped posture didn't exactly help. _Once Auruo thought Levi was mad at him, the secrets started pouring out. All I had to do was wait for one we could use._

* * *

><p>"Welcome to the annual Sina Prep Talent Show! Let me hear you make some noise!" Pixis was on the stage, jolly as ever. "Okay, okay. That's enough noise. Our first act calls himself "a sight you've never seen before." Please welcome Armin Arlert and his assistant, Mina Carolina!" The blond proceeded to pull out a table and as Mina sat across from him, he went into lengthy detail about how she would die.<p>

Meanwhile, the Recons were backstage, assembling their uniforms. Auruo was especially ticked, shown by his disheveled hair and lack of jacket. "Why would Levi send you guys candy canes and not me?" "Maybe he just forgot you existed. Like what Petra did on Valentine's Day!" "Real helpful, Erwin." _Tension- check. Time to strike. _"Levi has been acting kind of weird lately. Is something bothering him?" Auruo snorted, mimicking Levi's mannerisms but only managing to choke on air. "Well, I mean, his uncle isn't exactly doing legal things to those people who owe him money, if you know what I mean." Petra immediately popped her head up, while Erwin and Hanji shared constipated looks. He then realized what he just said. "Oh my god! Don't tell him I told you that!" _This is becoming way too easy. _

To Eren's surprise, Auruo continued to talk, except away from the crowd. "I mean, no offense, but why would he send you a candy cane? He doesn't even like you that much. Maybe he feels weird around me because I'm the only one who knows that he holds his cups on the lid because of some incident when he was younger. Wait, no! Dear Sina, pretend you didn't hear that." Outside, Armin's eyes glazed over as he droned on about how a greyhound with overly large eyes would bite her head off after she would crash into a wall on a bike. Mina began to grow nervous, mouthing to Pixis that this was truly making her uncomfortable. It was making the angsty boy uncomfortable, too. Luckily, the principal intervened, shutting down the deadly shota's act.

"Up next, we have the Recon Corps flying and throwing smoke to Guren No Yumiya!" In the crowd, Connie grumbled something about how it was his choice of song in the first place. Sasha just shoved popcorn in his mouth to shut him up.  
>"Auruo, switch sides with Eren." Levi barked at the taller rich kid. The former sputtered, "B-but I'm always on your right." Levi rolled his eyes and huffed. "That was when there were five of us and you stayed in the middle." "But the whole thing will be backwards! I'm always on your right!" Levi's scowl deepened. "And now you're on my last nerve,. Switch, shitty hair." With a grumble, Auruo reluctantly slid next to Erwin. The curtains began to open as the song started.<p>

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><p><em>Seid ihr das Essen? Nein, wir sind die Jager!<em>

The Recons assembled their swords into a winged formation as chanting took place in the background. Eren's feet were shaky but performing this routine flawlessly was the key to truly becoming one of the Recons. Towards the left of the winged formation, Auruo couldn't help but smile. He was still the lead singer, and not even a shitty brat could take that away from him.

"Our names won't be remembered if we die like trampled flowers..." Petra was first to fly, attaching her 3D maneuver gear to a nearby hook as she let out a green smoke flare. "I refuse to be forgotten, written off as less than worthless..." The tiny devil's cravat flew up in his face as he quickly and expertly latched on to a spot directly above the clock. Pixis sighed. "Every year, it's the same spot. EVERY YEAR." "Scream and cry but none will hear you, plead and beg but none will help you..." Taking a deep breath, Eren positioned himself diagonally to Levi, praying that he wouldn't fall upside down like on the monkey bars. "We no longer live as cattle, will you rise and join the battle?" Hanji let out a holler as she flew in circles around the auditorium, placing herself near Eren and giving him a wink. In the crowd, she could see Sawney and Bean running up the aisles. Never bring coffee-hyped greyhounds to school, Hanji.

"There are beings that live off our fear and their words are like knives as they play with our lives..." Erwin was second to last as he dropped his jacket on a bunch of adoring schoolgirls and fired a red smoke flare. Everything was looking up. Just this one performance and Eren would be one of them. "They try to control us as if they own us, will you let them steal our-" Teeth collided with muscle as blood spurted out of Auruo's mouth. He abruptly stopped singing and looked to the levitated Recons in horror.

He had just bitten his tongue.

The song's instrumental embarrassingly blared on, skipping to the chorus. Mortification was displayed on the remaining Recon, still clutching his mouth. He tried to discreetly scoot over to the radio and press the Power Off button with his sword...but just managed to pierce right through the device. Auruo's faith in his position dropped 20% lower as the radio hit Shadis in the face. Eren turned to Levi, whose face was increasingly reddening. Levi turned to the panicking teen and gestured rudely with his swords. "FIX IT," he muttered through clenched teeth. "FIX. IT." _Fix it? Hey, I can do that! _

Eren took a deep breath and prayed that endless YouTube surfing would pay off. "Channel the anger swelling inside you, fighting the boundary 'til you break through..." The auditorium was dead silent. He could feel everybody's eyes on him. _This was a bad idea. This was a bad idea. This was- wait. _"Deep in your heart there's no hesitation..." _Is that me singing? Am I still singing? Yes. Then why do I sound like a girl? A girl... A girl? Mikasa? _Sure enough, it was the scarf-clad girl that decided to help out Eren in his time of desperate need. Soon enough, the remaining Recons joined in, Levi's face losing its crimson shade. "So make yourself the one they ALL FEAR!" With confidence, Eren flew down to the stage, doing a barrel roll and a flip like Jean in the opening theme. The rest of the Recons followed suit, eyes shining and confidence radiating. Eren's parents began to join in, Grisha more reluctant. "There is a wild fire inside you, burning desire you can't extinguish..." Pixis was offstage, towards the side with Auruo. He swung his hands wildly and badly sung along as Auruo looked down in shame. "Your crimson arrow streaks through the twilight, this is the moment for war!" The entire room was singing along with the leading teen as the Recons expertly landed on their feet. Smoke filled the air and swords assembled themselves into an intricate design. The crowd went wild. _Point: Jaegerbombs._

Backstage, Levi was smiling more than he ever did...which meant a half upturn of the mouth! "That was shitty, but then it turned less shitty. It was like...reverse diarrhea or something. Nice going, Jaeger." Auruo stumbled behind them, holding an ice pack to the mouth. "Y-yeah. You guys were pretty good out there." Levi glowered at him and Petra sadly looked up. _Cut._  
>Armin came out of the supply closet, taking off his red contact lenses for his performance. "Nice going there, Maria boy." "Thanks." Auruo was livid by now and was willing to do anything to kick out the Recons' newest asset. "Oh my god, Eren's blushing. You totally like that little blonde boy!" Eren sputtered and turned around. "Wait, what? Is this an indirect way of calling me gay?" "I'm not hearing a 'no'! That's probably why you wanted to join the Titans!" Levi popped his head out of the shadows. "Titans? I didn't know you swung that way." Before Eren could say another word, Auruo cut in yet again. "Look how red he is, aww! You love him, and he complimented you. That is totally fetch!" Eren's angst meter was about to overflow until Levi stepped forward. "Shitty hair, stop trying to make fetch happen. It's never going to happen." The youngest teen didn't try to mask his smirk. <em>Cut.<em>

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><p><strong>AN: Wow, I just realized this story would make a lot more sense if Annie was Janis and Reiner was Damian. ;-;<strong>

**I'm going to continue to make 20% references until a brony sees this.**

**The "fix it" thing was an extremely slight Regular Show reference. *coughcough* ZOMBIES *coughcough***

**And...yeah, horses really can't vomit. I did my research. Until next time~**

**MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE USA**


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